ambiguous ambivalent

I had abdominal and thoracic CT scans a couple of weeks ago. For the first time since July 2007, I was not simply told that all is clear.

But I wasn't given bad news either.

I was told over the phone that some of my lymph nodes look "suspicious" but as my oncologist conveyed via his nurse, "that could be anything."

I was just recovering from a bad cold when I was tested, so that could have inflamed by lymph nodes. The only thing to do right now is wait, go in to see my oncologist on October 10th and then - I don't know. Do another scan and see if there is any change?

I've been told not to worry, so I'm working on that and on patience.

Meanwhile, I have a brain MRI scheduled for next week. This is purely routine, as herceptin does not cross the brain blood barrier. I have been fretting about it because I did not enjoy my last one - it's so unbelievably LOUD! I'm bringing company, extra ear plugs and lorazepam.

I'll have the results for that on October 10th as well.

So I'll be sitting tight, keeping busy and focusing on the things over which I have some control.

Anyone want to sit and knit somewhere or come help me organize my house?

"Worry has an anxious and unfocused quality. It skitters subject to subject, fixating first on one thing, then on another. Like a noisy vaccuum cleaner, it's chief function is to distract us from what we are already afraid of." - Julia Cameron, Walking in this World.