around the table and around the world

Boy, am I dopey today.

We had our Thanksgiving dinner last night - turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing (probably the best I have ever had) smothered in gravy. A beautiful salad with a basil and feta dressing. Lots of wine. And Guinness chocolate cake, pumpkin pie, whipped cream, ice cream and chocolate sauce for dessert (I don't think anybody actually had all of those things).

And a truly lovely group of people.

It was perfect.

Today, I am trying to make notes for a presentation I am giving on Thursday. I need to talk about my transformation from individual cancer patient to a member of a vibrant and supportive community.

I had lots of thoughts about this on the week end, when I really didn't have time to write them down. Today, my brain seems to have been replaced with mashed potatoes and gravy (Mmm. Leftovers).

It's an interesting question, though. My online community (which consists of folks I have met in real life and others I probably will only ever know online) has been a key source of information and support over the years.

So, help me out here. What role does your online community play in your life? How did you come to build these virtual relationships? Does the internet help sustain relationships with friends?

I'm not asking you to do my work for me (really, I swear). I'm just curious how you react to the words "network" and "community" and how they apply to your online life.

limits on multi-tasking (on not doing pelvic lifts while I brush my teeth)

You'd think that since I don't have a full-time job (or even a part-time one) and both my kids are in school that time management would be a breeze, yet I still find myself struggling to get things done.

Part of that is pure procrastination (it's a slippery slope from checking my email to reading 10 tabloid stories someone linked to on Facebook). 

Part of it is feeling overwhelmed (where to start on a large project? which project should I work on first?).

It's also that I have changed the way that I live my life. Before cancer, when I worked full time, it seemed that every minute needed to be spent in a productive way. I tore myself out of bed in the morning as though jolted by a starter pistol and collapsed back in long after I knew I was tired. I answered emails while watching TV, talked on the phone while I played with my kids, read over documents while I rode the bus. There were seldom any truly quiet moments.

Cancer pushed me off that treadmill. In some ways I miss it but in lots more ways I don't.

While I still keep lists obsessively, I try not to obsess over getting through them. And over the last few months I've begun to embrace the efficiency of doing one thing at a time and doing it to the best of my ability. I still have a long way to go.

Every time I read a newspaper online or leaf through a magazine, I am urged to multi-task in every possible way. "Give yourself a facial while you make dinner!" "Fold laundry while you return calls!" "Tighten your butt muscles while you brush your teeth!" It all feels exhausting to me.

I am very fortunate to have been given the gift of time. I'm working at making it work for me. I want to focus on playing the game, not worrying about whether I'm going to drop the ball.

tired

I've been really struggling with insomnia lately. Falling asleep is tricky enough, but remaining asleep is the real challenge.

Most nights, I find myself awake plagued by questions:

Where do I know the actor from who played the handyman in The Waterhorse?

Should we have washed the dogs before we cleaned the carpets?

What if my oncologist ordered a thoracic CT scan so soon after my last abdominal one because they heard something during my last exam (and not just because I hadn't had one in a long time)?

Is the hat I'm making for D. going to be too small?

Was the other movie The Truth About Cats and Dogs? (I looked it up. His name is Ben Chaplin and it he was the actor in both movies).

Was I sent for two CT scans two weeks apart because of poor planning (or poor communicaiton) or is there something ugly growing on my lungs?

If the hat is too small, should I give it to someone else or rip it out and start over?

And so on, until I realize that sleep is hopeless.

Then I get up, play a little online Scrabble (or Lexulous), look up movies on the internet, check out what's happening on Facebook and hope that I will start to feel sleepy again.

But I'm tired today and tired makes me feel melancholy (I have more on that subject but I think I need to save it for another post).

I could drink more caffeine or go take a nap but neither will help me sleep tonight. Don't know if I can help myself, though.

really random news

1. According to an article in the Globe andMail, women and men respond very differently when they are on the recieving end of an apology:

“Women who are starved of an apology for rude or hurtful behaviour suffer an increase in blood pressure which can raise the risk of a heart attack or stroke, a study found,” The Daily Telegraph reports. “But those who hear a well-timed ‘sorry’ calm down more quickly, with their blood pressure returning to normal 20 per cent faster, the research showed. Conversely, a man’s blood pressure takes 20 per cent longer to recover after an apology – suggesting men become more worked up after hearing an admission of guilt.”

2. My sister sent me an article from the CBC web site this morning, about a colossal cookbook typo with the subject line "Oops." I've made some pretty big errors by not proofreading properly but this tops it all.

3. My friend, O. posted a story to Facebook today, with the headline "Woman with parrot perched on face arrested after throwing inhaler." Note to self: Don't throw an inhaler while a parrot is standing on your face. You will be arrested.

4. I'm still waiting for my CT scan results, which could be why I'm letting myself be distracted by all this silliness.

questions

Have you ever blogged about the search for a bathing suit?

Are charcoal barbecues worse for our health and the environment than gas barbecues?

How do you organize your time and set priorities so that the most important things get done?

Did you watch Glee last night? Did you think that it wasn't as good as you remember?

How much do you need to spend on a bicycle if you plan to use it to boot around town, a few days a week from spring to late fall and you want it to last a really long time?

How do you take care of coloured hair when you swim regularly?

Also, I dreamed that my cat came back from the dead. Do you remember your dreams? What do you think this one meant?

without judgment

Every day is filled with an overwhelming number of choices. Some are fairly trivial, others will have lasting impact. Some days, I'm so overwhelmed by the choices I must make that I long to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head.

When I was younger, I saw the world in terms of black and white. There were wrong decisions and right ones. The rules of engagement with life seemed fairly clear. And I thought I had most of the answers.

Sometimes, I wish I still saw life that way. But the truth is that the world is filled with shades of gray. When faced with a choice, two people can make completely different decisions and sometimes, both can be making the right choice.

Don't get me wrong. There are still many clear cut choices to be made and situations where it ought to be obvious what is just and what is right. But with most of our day to day choices, things just aren't that clear.

So I have become much less judgemental than I used to be. And, for the most part, I'm happier that way.

The one person I still consistently judge - and harshly- is myself. And I tend to reflect these feelings onto others and assume that others are judging me harshly as well.

There are times when I don't engage in activities that appeal to me or do things I want to do because I fear I will be judged.

I had a bit of an epiphany about this this yesterday. If I am more gentle with others than I once was, should I not assume that a significant percentage of the people in my life will be gentle with me? And if others do judge me - so what? What consequence does it really have for my life? Why should the opinions of others stop me from living as I wish, as long as my choices are not harmful to others or to myself?

It's time for me to try and let go of self-judgment. It's not going to be easy. And I expect lots of back-sliding. It's going to be hard to separate out setting priorities and acknowledging mistakes from judgment. But I plan to try.

I start a writing class tonight. I'm feeling very anxious about it. Let's hope I can keep some of the words I've just written in my heart and allow myself to participate, learn and have fun.

i've been a bad friend

I've been brooding a little bit lately over all the ways I have been a bad friend since my breast cancer diagnosis.

I know I have and can still be a good friend much of the time but I've been thinking of how good people have been to me and I feel like I've fallen short in the reciprocation department.

I'm not being too hard on myself for cocooning during the worst of treatment. But there have been lots of good weeks during remission. I have missed so many important events in friends' lives - the births of children, loss of loved ones and serious illness. And now I don't know how to make up for that.

Friends, acquaintances and co-workers have sent me on trips, bought me presents and food, taken me out and sent me beautiful messages of support. I've been better lately at being the kind of person who does these things for others but I think, for longer than I cared to admit, I was too busy staring into my own navel - at least some of the time.

I'm in a pretty good space these days. Today, however, I am especially aware of regret.

pictures big and little

I woke up yesterday morning with a sore throat and a headache.

Here we go again. Having a compromised immune system is no picnic. In the last year, I missed my Toronto book launch because of the flu, got H1N1 on the day the vaccine became available, was hit by Norwalk virus when my spouse was away (and found myself crawling along my kitchen floor with a can opener to "make dinner", got pink eye and more little flus and colds than I want to count.

Chemotherapy destroys cancer cells. It also destroys the cells that fight illness. Despite the fact that I try to limit my exposure to germs, wash my hands regularly, get enough sleep and eat well (not to mention the ten doses of Neupogen with which I inject myself after every treatment), I seem to fall prey to almost every little bug that passes my way (and when you have kids, lots of little bugs pass your way).

I am, literally, sick of it (I've also had benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. That had nothing to do with my immune system and was mostly just an annoyance. And when I realized that I did not have a brain tumour, I was actually kind of amused in a "of course this would happen to me at this point in my life" sort of way. Also, my golden, Emma, had a couple of bouts with geriatric vestibular disease, which I think is basically the same thing).

I need a break from chemo and I'm taking the month of April off. On the day when I would normally be at the cancer centre, I will be travelling home on the train from Toronto with D. (we will have been visiting grandparents, hanging out at the Bat Cave at the Royal Ontario Museum and the Harry Potter Exhibit at the Science Centre).

I'm not losing sight of the bigger picture, though. I have a CT scan today (abdominal and thoracic) and I am worrying about it. 

Because I always do. 

I'm fretting about my veins and how many times (and where) they'll have to poke me before they can inject the contrast but I'm also anxious about what the pictures will show.

Hopefully, everything will look normal and healthy, except for the scars that cover my liver. Hopefully, I can add this to my least of clean scans. And, hopefully, I can keep going through this routine, with the same results for years to come.

I haven't started to take the clean scans for granted. I doubt that I ever will.

what if nothing changes?

Today is a treatment day.

For the first time ever, I will have Herceptin on its own (if you don't count the Demerol and Gravol I get to keep the shakes and fevers at bay).

Some people have almost no side effects with Herceptin. Some feel like they have the flu.

Will the fact that my body has such a strong response to Herceptin mean that I feel more of its side effects?

The break from chemotherapy is meant to help me heal and rebuild - physically and emotionally.

The break from chemo is also a risk.

Here's hoping it all works out for the best.

tired

I've been really struggling with insomnia lately. Falling asleep is tricky enough, but remaining asleep is the real challenge.

Most nights, I find myself awake plagued by questions:

Where do I know the actor from who played the handyman in The Waterhorse?

Should we have washed the dogs before we cleaned the carpets?

What if my oncologist ordered a thoracic CT scan so soon after my last abdominal one because they heard something during my last exam (and not just because I hadn't had one in a long time)?

Is the hat I'm making for D. going to be too small?

Was the other movie The Truth About Cats and Dogs? (I looked it up. His name is Ben Chaplin and it he was the actor in both movies).

Was I sent for two CT scans two weeks apart because of poor planning (or poor communicaiton) or is there something ugly growing on my lungs?

If the hat is too small, should I give it to someone else or rip it out and start over?

And so on, until I realize that sleep is hopeless.

Then I get up, play a little online Scrabble (or Lexulous), look up movies on the internet, check out what's happening on Facebook and hope that I will start to feel sleepy again.

But I'm tired today and tired makes me feel melancholy (I have more on that subject but I think I need to save it for another post).

I could drink more caffeine or go take a nap but neither will help me sleep tonight. Don't know if I can help myself, though.

25 truly random things about me

I am definitely on the mend but still sick (less nausea, light-headed and now sneezing my face off). It seems to me a good day to finally get to this "25 things" meme that I keep getting tagged for on Facebook.

I just came back from getting some fresh air with the dogs and many of these are things I thought about when I was out. I make no promises about whether or not I have written any of this before. And since my mother reads my blog, I may engage in a bit of censorship (Hi Mom! I love you!).

1. When I become interested in something, I tend to read everything I can on that subject.
2. My current interest is Enneagrams.
3. I am a 1.
4. I am married to a 9.
5. These two facts actually help me to understand my life a lot better.
6. My spouse and I have been together almost 18 years.
7. My longest relationship before my current one lasted 4.5 months.
8. I hated being pregnant.
9. I had a miscarriage between my two successful pregnancies. I was 11 weeks along. I was devastated.
10. I have struggled with depression since my early teens.
11. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in early 2006, I was the healthiest and strongest I had ever been. I believe that helped a lot.
12. Since I found out about the cancer, I have been angry and sad at times but I cannot say that I have been depressed for very long stretches.
13. I am addicted to online word games, namely Scrabble and Word Twist.
14. I am embarrassed that I can't understand some of my 10 year old son's math homework.
15. I love intensely, hold fierce grudges and forgive easily.
16. I have mellowed.
17. I am an atheist.
18. I feel guilty about everything.
19. I still think my spouse is hot.
20. I still my miss Emma, my golden retriever. She died on June 30, 2006. She was almost 14.
21. One year later, I had my first clean CT scan.
22. I don't consider myself to be sick, despite the fact that I have a chronic illness.
23. If I could turn back the clock and make my life go back to the way it was before the cancer, I am not sure that I would do it.
24. That last sentence astounds me.
25. I wish I were a better knitter.

what if nothing changes?

Today is a treatment day.

For the first time ever, I will have Herceptin on its own (if you don't count the Demerol and Gravol I get to keep the shakes and fevers at bay).

Some people have almost no side effects with Herceptin. Some feel like they have the flu.

Will the fact that my body has such a strong response to Herceptin mean that I feel more of its side effects?

The break from chemotherapy is meant to help me heal and rebuild - physically and emotionally.

The break from chemo is also a risk.

Here's hoping it all works out for the best.

a perfect evening

The kind when conversation flows easily along with the wine, all accompanied byexcellent food. Where all the kids get along and the adults are left to talk about books, movies and travel. The kind of evening when three and half hours goes by like five minutes and the time to go comes in what feels like the blink of an eye.

And you have your boots on at the door by 9:06pm.

I remember when Friday nights out didn't get going until after 11:00 and a 1:00am curfew seemed completely unfair. When we danced until the music stopped and got up to the kinds of things that make me dread my own children's adolescence.

It's one of Mother Nature's little ironies that by the time we are mature enough to behave responsibly our definition of a late night (and of a perfect one) has been irrevocably changed.

really random news

1. According to an article in the Globe andMail, women and men respond very differently when they are on the recieving end of an apology:

“Women who are starved of an apology for rude or hurtful behaviour suffer an increase in blood pressure which can raise the risk of a heart attack or stroke, a study found,” The Daily Telegraph reports. “But those who hear a well-timed ‘sorry’ calm down more quickly, with their blood pressure returning to normal 20 per cent faster, the research showed. Conversely, a man’s blood pressure takes 20 per cent longer to recover after an apology – suggesting men become more worked up after hearing an admission of guilt.”

2. My sister sent me an article from the CBC web site this morning, about a colossal cookbook typo with the subject line "Oops." I've made some pretty big errors by not proofreading properly but this tops it all.

3. My friend, O. posted a story to Facebook today, with the headline "Woman with parrot perched on face arrested after throwing inhaler." Note to self: Don't throw an inhaler while a parrot is standing on your face. You will be arrested.

4. I'm still waiting for my CT scan results, which could be why I'm letting myself be distracted by all this silliness.

questions

Have you ever blogged about the search for a bathing suit?

Are charcoal barbecues worse for our health and the environment than gas barbecues?

How do you organize your time and set priorities so that the most important things get done?

Did you watch Glee last night? Did you think that it wasn't as good as you remember?

How much do you need to spend on a bicycle if you plan to use it to boot around town, a few days a week from spring to late fall and you want it to last a really long time?

How do you take care of coloured hair when you swim regularly?

Also, I dreamed that my cat came back from the dead. Do you remember your dreams? What do you think this one meant?

i want more

We've all been sick, these last couple of weeks. It seems that as soon as one virus leaves, another sweeps through. Or perhaps it's all the same bug. At the moment, I have a sinus infection that used to be a cold and my 10 year old has a fever that used to be an ear infection. We've been through a lot of facial tissue (my father worked for a subsidiary of Scott when I was a child. I try hard not to call them Kleenex).

I think that ill health is likely why the only resolution I've come up with is to check all our pockets before loading the washing machine. Raging head colds don't lend themselves to introspection.

But I have been thinking a lot about the kind of life I'd like to be leading and of the kind of change that's within my control. What it comes down to is that I want more. Not more stuff or more obligation, pressure, failure or shame. I want more love, more play, more laughter, music and creativity.

The tricky part is getting there. There are things I need to do to have more of what's good but I have to make sure I don't fall prey to what's bad. Exercise is great for me but instead of beating myself up for not racking up the minutes I've set as an arbitrary goal, I can go for a walk. Writing feeds my soul. Except when I'm stuck. Then, I can pick up my journal. Or my knitting. And if I get sucked down the rabbit hole that is the internet, well that's OK too. I can always do things differently tomorrow.

I think I'm trying to say that there is a corrollary to "I want more" and that's "Be nice to yourself." So I guess those are my resolutions for 2014. It hope it still makes sense when the cold dope wears off.




It was only after I'd drafted this post that I remembered that Lynn Miles said it before me and best.

This song is from the album "Downpour." I've bought it 5 times so far and you should too.

around the table and around the world

Boy, am I dopey today.

We had our Thanksgiving dinner last night - turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing (probably the best I have ever had) smothered in gravy. A beautiful salad with a basil and feta dressing. Lots of wine. And Guinness chocolate cake, pumpkin pie, whipped cream, ice cream and chocolate sauce for dessert (I don't think anybody actually had all of those things).

And a truly lovely group of people.

It was perfect.

Today, I am trying to make notes for a presentation I am giving on Thursday. I need to talk about my transformation from individual cancer patient to a member of a vibrant and supportive community.

I had lots of thoughts about this on the week end, when I really didn't have time to write them down. Today, my brain seems to have been replaced with mashed potatoes and gravy (Mmm. Leftovers).

It's an interesting question, though. My online community (which consists of folks I have met in real life and others I probably will only ever know online) has been a key source of information and support over the years.

So, help me out here. What role does your online community play in your life? How did you come to build these virtual relationships? Does the internet help sustain relationships with friends?

I'm not asking you to do my work for me (really, I swear). I'm just curious how you react to the words "network" and "community" and how they apply to your online life.

without judgment

Every day is filled with an overwhelming number of choices. Some are fairly trivial, others will have lasting impact. Some days, I'm so overwhelmed by the choices I must make that I long to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head.

When I was younger, I saw the world in terms of black and white. There were wrong decisions and right ones. The rules of engagement with life seemed fairly clear. And I thought I had most of the answers.

Sometimes, I wish I still saw life that way. But the truth is that the world is filled with shades of gray. When faced with a choice, two people can make completely different decisions and sometimes, both can be making the right choice.

Don't get me wrong. There are still many clear cut choices to be made and situations where it ought to be obvious what is just and what is right. But with most of our day to day choices, things just aren't that clear.

So I have become much less judgemental than I used to be. And, for the most part, I'm happier that way.

The one person I still consistently judge - and harshly- is myself. And I tend to reflect these feelings onto others and assume that others are judging me harshly as well.

There are times when I don't engage in activities that appeal to me or do things I want to do because I fear I will be judged.

I had a bit of an epiphany about this this yesterday. If I am more gentle with others than I once was, should I not assume that a significant percentage of the people in my life will be gentle with me? And if others do judge me - so what? What consequence does it really have for my life? Why should the opinions of others stop me from living as I wish, as long as my choices are not harmful to others or to myself?

It's time for me to try and let go of self-judgment. It's not going to be easy. And I expect lots of back-sliding. It's going to be hard to separate out setting priorities and acknowledging mistakes from judgment. But I plan to try.

I start a writing class tonight. I'm feeling very anxious about it. Let's hope I can keep some of the words I've just written in my heart and allow myself to participate, learn and have fun.

i've been a bad friend

I've been brooding a little bit lately over all the ways I have been a bad friend since my breast cancer diagnosis.

I know I have and can still be a good friend much of the time but I've been thinking of how good people have been to me and I feel like I've fallen short in the reciprocation department.

I'm not being too hard on myself for cocooning during the worst of treatment. But there have been lots of good weeks during remission. I have missed so many important events in friends' lives - the births of children, loss of loved ones and serious illness. And now I don't know how to make up for that.

Friends, acquaintances and co-workers have sent me on trips, bought me presents and food, taken me out and sent me beautiful messages of support. I've been better lately at being the kind of person who does these things for others but I think, for longer than I cared to admit, I was too busy staring into my own navel - at least some of the time.

I'm in a pretty good space these days. Today, however, I am especially aware of regret.

limits on multi-tasking (on not doing pelvic lifts while I brush my teeth)

You'd think that since I don't have a full-time job (or even a part-time one) and both my kids are in school that time management would be a breeze, yet I still find myself struggling to get things done.

Part of that is pure procrastination (it's a slippery slope from checking my email to reading 10 tabloid stories someone linked to on Facebook). 

Part of it is feeling overwhelmed (where to start on a large project? which project should I work on first?).

It's also that I have changed the way that I live my life. Before cancer, when I worked full time, it seemed that every minute needed to be spent in a productive way. I tore myself out of bed in the morning as though jolted by a starter pistol and collapsed back in long after I knew I was tired. I answered emails while watching TV, talked on the phone while I played with my kids, read over documents while I rode the bus. There were seldom any truly quiet moments.

Cancer pushed me off that treadmill. In some ways I miss it but in lots more ways I don't.

While I still keep lists obsessively, I try not to obsess over getting through them. And over the last few months I've begun to embrace the efficiency of doing one thing at a time and doing it to the best of my ability. I still have a long way to go.

Every time I read a newspaper online or leaf through a magazine, I am urged to multi-task in every possible way. "Give yourself a facial while you make dinner!" "Fold laundry while you return calls!" "Tighten your butt muscles while you brush your teeth!" It all feels exhausting to me.

I am very fortunate to have been given the gift of time. I'm working at making it work for me. I want to focus on playing the game, not worrying about whether I'm going to drop the ball.