blowing my own horn

Tomorrow, I will have a featured post on BlogHer.

Also, Judy from Just Enjoy Him (and Mothers With Cancer) really liked my book. And she said some very nice things about it. Since I am in awe of Judy, this meant a whole lot to me.

A little praise goes a long way for this girl. I feel like writing more now.

not done yet reviewed for the cmaj

I have recovered from chemo but a week end at the Folk Festival and a night of insomnia have left me completely brain dead.

In lieu of any original content on my part, I wanted a share a wonderful review of Not Done Yet, published in this month's Canadian Medical Association Journal.

A physician who treats breast cancer patients might wonder what this blog-cum-book could offer a busy professional whose daily practice likely holds its own heartbreaking quota of Lauries...

However, Kingston’s book provides the detail and emotional shadings that give meaning to these stark, exterior facts. The honest telling of a singular story weaves the experience of cancer into the whole cloth of a life, reworked after a devastating rupture. She vividly integrates events and see-sawing emotions...

Comfortable in her lay-expert role and an inveterate listmaker, she draws from the negative encounters to compile pointers for health care professionals: "Don’t look horrified when I tell you I have metastatic breast cancer; … Don’t ask me questions about my treatment[s] that are irrelevant to the procedure being performed and/or outside your sphere of knowledge [p 190]"

The author of the review, Sharon Batt, is a Doctoral Candidate in the Department of Bioethics at Dalhousie University. She is also the author of the book, Patient No More: The Politics of Breast Cancer about her own experience.

Many thanks to my friend N. (herself the editor of Women Who Care - an upcoming book about "Canadian Women’s Personal and Professional Experiences of Health Care and Caring") for submitting my book to the CMAJ for review.

You can download the full pdf of the review here.

43 things (part three)

22. One day, when I was small, my aunt bought me a Buster Bar. Before I could eat it, it fell off the stick. She didn't buy me another one.

23 I had Dilly Bars instead of cake on my birthday this year. I ate two.

24. I also had a beer during the day on my birthday, something I consider very decadent. I usually only do this with my friends L. and K. (otherwise known as Sassymonkey).

25. The day after a social gathering, I spend a lot of time second guessing my behaviour, even when especially when I had a good time.

26. I feel guilty about something several times a day. Only recently did I discover that this is not a universal experience. I'm curious what it's like not to feel guilty.

27. My life in treatment is a constant tension between search for structure and then rebellion against self-imposed structures.

28. I have voted NDP in every provincial and federal election since I was old enough to vote (although I have sometimes done so while holding my nose).

29. This was the first year since 2007 that I didn't go to BlogHer. I'm OK with missing it (I had three great years there. The first was an amazing birthday present, the second I was a speaker and last year, I got to bring my book) but I'm a bit sad, especially since I finally feel like I figured out how to really enjoy the experience. There are lots of folks I would have liked to see (Average Jane and Nonlinear Girl were on a panel together. Whymommy was on a panel about blogs as an agent for change) and there are so many folks with whom I would like to spend more time.

30. When I was a teenager, I had a huge crush on the Cassidy brothers. I especially loved Shaun.

31. I was a hideously self-absorbed and narcissistic thirteen year old. It's amazing that my mother let me live.

winners!

The random number generator has spoken and Shari and Jo will get copies of "Getting Past the Fear. A Guide to Help you Mentally Prepare for Chemotherapy." I just need your contact info! You can send me an email by clicking on the photo of my book (Not Done Yet) in the right sidebar. Congratulations!

book review: Getting Past the Fear. A Guide to Help You Mentally Prepare for Chemotherapy

Nancy Stordahl is an outspoken breast cancer advocate. She's been through treatment herself and lived through her mother's illness and death from metastatic disease. She started her blog, Nancy's Point, when she was still in treatment and continues to write there today. Nancy is generous with her experience and supportive of others living through breast cancer. Who better, then, to write a guide to conquering the fear of chemotherapy?

Not just another advice manual, Getting Past the Fear: A Guide to Help you Mentally Prepare for Chemotherapy is full of advice and personal observations. It's not a long book, only 60 pages, but to my mind that's a serious advantage. I couldn't concentrate on very much at all when I was first facing treatment. I was given many books that ended up being helpful and interesting but I couldn't read any of them during the weeks leading up to chemotherapy. Nancy understands this and wastes no time getting right to the point (get it? Just like her blog?)

Getting Past the Fear is full of practical tips, many of which I have never read anywhere else. For example, if I had known that you can get a head cap to fit under your wig "to help keep cooler and minimize itching", I might have actually tried to wear one! And it would have been very helpful to know before my first treatment that it's perfectly OK to unplug the IV (from the wall, not your arm!) and wheel everything to the bathroom. Treatment involves a lot of liquid. No one needs a bladder infection added to their list of chemo side effects.

Nancy is very clear that her experience is just that, and that yours might differ and so might your choices. I do think though that most cancer patients will benefit from considering her advice -  to keep a journal, ask for help when you need it, do your research and bring your list of questions to appointments with your oncologist.

Nancy also suggests planning a getaway, to give yourself a break before, during and/or after treatment. In a passage that I especially loved, she writes of her trip to the North Shore of Lake Superior with her husband:

"During that time away, we spent precious moments sitting on our private balcony marveling at the vastness and beauty of the ever-changing water, reveling in leisurely meals...and enjoying each others' company...One afternoon, there was even a brief, lovely wedding ceremony that took place directly below our balcony. The bride and groom and all their guests never once looked up, so they never realized they had two more unannounced wedding guests. Observing an intimate occasion...was a nice reminder of the fact that life was carrying on."

If reading all of Getting Past the Fear seems too daunting right now, you can dip in and out. Read the chapter headings and the conclusions in bold that Nancy has inserted at the end of each chapter. Check out the list of questions for your oncologist. Read the parts that speak to you, then stick the book in your purse for when you next need Nancy's advice. She's even left you a few pages at the end to add your own questions and observations. And if digital media is more your thing, download the ebook for your tablet, phone or ereader.

Nancy ends her book with the following quote: "What lies before us and what lies behind us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." (author unknown) 

That sums up the book's message rather nicely: You will get through this. You are not alone.

For more information on how to buy Getting Past the Fear: A Guide to Help You Mentally Prepare for Chemotherapy is its various formats, visit Nancy's Point. The blog is also a great resource for anyone facing breast cancer at any stage.

Nancy's offered two copies of her book, one ebook and one physical copy. Let me know in the comments, if you would like either. If more than one person is interested, I'll choose recipients at random.

The author, with some friends.

Update: Would Jo Bucktin and Alene contact me, please? I need to get the info to send you you book!

back and back

I am home after a lovely, packed extended week end away.

I also pulled something in my back getting my suitcase off the train as I arrived in Ottawa. It hurts.

I have a bunch of things I want to write about here (my week end, some thoughts on this whole book promoting business, two book reviews and a couple of other things) but today, I am too sore to sit still for long.

Maybe a gentle walk will help.

not done yet: sassymonkey's entirely unbiased review

I need to start with a little disclosure. Sassymonkey and I have become friends over the last few years and since she has moved to Ottawa, we have spent quite a few hours (we have our own little table at a bar in Little Italy), knitting and talking over pints.

This review really moved me.

"Laurie writes about life. There are times when the book will make you laugh, and other times where you’ll want to kick someone in the shins on her behalf. There are moments, both good and bad, that take your breathe away. Laurie shares the tough stuff but she also shares the soft side of her life, like the song by Daniel on May 8, 2007 that starts, “I love my mama and she is so beautiful.”...

...I’ve learned so much from Laurie, both from her blog and from reading her book. I have a hard time putting it in words but the best I can sum it up is this - she’s taught me more about living life with grace than I ever could have hoped to learn. Life isn’t about the big stuff. Life is lived in the in-between moments. It’s the walk to the library on chilly fall morning, the skate on the canal in the winter. It’s cooking dinner. It’s afternoons with friends. It’s pints and knitting and books."

I feel very honoured to have my work described in this way.

You can read the rest of the review, here.

haven't done this in a while

Haven't blown my own horn in at least a few weeks.

Alysa, who I met last year when she ran a wonderful workshop on writing your way through breast cancer (at the Living Beyond Breast Cancer conference for women living with metastatic breast cancer). I introduced myself and gave her my book.

Yesterday, Alysa emailed me to say that she'd written a review of my book for oncolink and that she thought it would make me smile.

It did.

not done yet on toddler planet

"Not Done Yet is one of the good things to come out of this new approach to living publicly, to letting the light shine in on troubles and illness, and it is a very good thing indeed."

Thank you, WhyMommy. I feel the same way about everything you write.

what i set out to do

PJ Hamel, had the following to say about my book, in a review she wrote for MyBreastCancerNetwork.Com (Health Central):

Wry. Real. Dealing with it. That’s Laurie’s story. It’s a personally familiar one, for so many of us. Through her week-by-week, sometimes day-by-day detailing of cancer treatment laid atop everyday life (the dog, the kids, school and work), we relive with Laurie those emotions many of us have experienced. And it’s a bittersweet feeling, this “been there, done that” comparison of radiation burns, telling your small son you have cancer, and losing your hair.

This isn’t a sad book. Nor is it a sicky-sweet, “Oh, cancer has been so good to me” book. It’s just… true. A regular woman dealing with cancer as best she can. And writing about it in an utterly compelling way.

This review made me really happy. It means a lot that PJ liked the book. She also made me feel like I achieved what I set out to do.

That's a really good feeling.

"not done yet" reviewed at "mothers with cancer"

Mary Beth Volpini kindly agreed to review my book for our group blog, Mothers With Cancer:

There were entries that I laughed while reading… Monday, July 3, 2006 as her boys pretended to be Wolverine. The most touching entry to me… Wednesday, October 10, 2007 Etching Myself in their Memories … spontaneous tears ran down my cheeks right there in the hair salon. I share those same haunting thoughts.

I am glad that I had the chance to learn more about Laurie. I applaud her courage, her creativity and her approach to life. “Metastatic cancer has not ended my life; it has just caused me to live my life differently.” If my story becomes more similar to Laurie’s, I hope I proceed with the same courage and positive outlook.

You can read the rest of the review here.

Mary Beth is an artist and you can see some of her work, at her personal blog.

"not done yet" reviewed

photo: L. Steer

"As a survivor, I appreciated her candor on everything from alternative practitioners who blamed her cancer on her negative body image to the way she describes a summer evening walk with a friend that ends with strawberries and whipped cream. The medical and the mundane knit together a complete picture of what it is to live with cancer that might be controlled but never cured."

- Lorri Steer, from her review of Not Done Yet on her blog, Terrible And Beautiful.

"not done yet" on blogher

For this blogger turned author, the BlogHer review of Not Done Yet was the among those for which I waited the most eagerly and with the most trepidation.

Denise Taunton, Community Manager (she also regularly blogs the Health and Wellness beat) was tasked with writing the review. Her post came out today:I am channelling Sally Field this evening.



"She (Denise Taunton, not Sally Field) likes me, she really likes me!" Or at least she really liked my book.

"I've read Not Just About Cancer for years and knew Laurie's story would make a compelling book, if she could only manage to pull the "right posts" and emotionally handle the process.

After reading the review copy of Not Done Yet, graciously sent to me by Laurie, I can say without reservation - she did it. She has written an excellent book."

You can read the rest of the review here.

I am thrilled (I celebrated with a glass of wine and a bubble bath, so forgive me if this is less than coherent).

Tomorrow, I am helping to escort 25 Grade Five students to the National Art Gallery. And I still haven't recovered from the week end (and literally running around with a sick 5 year old today). April is proving to be very, very busy. It feels so good to be able to complain about it.

how much popeye before he becomes pop-eyed?

D. is getting a day off after the long week end because of a cold, which has him good spirits but coughing a lot (he insists it's "not a day off when you're sick!").

He is currently watching back-to-back black and white Popeye episodes from the 1930s (he has seen these many, many times and loves them) and I probably should go be a parent.

Here's a link to post that the wonderful Blondie wrote about my book. It really, really moved me.

book review - But Hope is Longer: Navigating the Country of Breast Cancer*

“I felt like a snake having to shed its old skin... I mourned each layer of myself as I imagined it loosening and separating from me before I sloughed it off and watched it fall to the ground: my resilient good health, my identity, my hopes for a vibrant future. The shedding of each successive layer left me even more naked, raw and vulnerable. At that point, I had no sense that there was any regeneration underway or that there would be anything to replace the parts of myself I was losing.”

-Tamara Levine, ButHope is Longer: Navigating the Country of Breast Cancer.

Being diagnosed with breast cancer changes you, irrevocably. In But Hope is Longer, Tamara Levine writes beautifully of her own transformative process. She also, in sections called Reflections, looks back on her experience with the benefit of time and a clear-eyed analysis. Finally, she interviews all of her caregivers from those at the cancer centre, to her naturopathic doctor to her life coach - bringing together their insights on treatment and patient care. The result is a book like no other.

For Tamara, the writing process began with a series of Healing Journey letters she wrote to family and friends. In these letters, she brings loved ones up to speed on what is happening with her but also shares her feelings, observations and the things she learns along the way. These letters helped Tamara to rediscover her love of writing and with these stories she shares her experiences from medical mishaps and mismanagement, getting on the right track, her celebration of friends, feelings about physical changes and the loss of her beloved father to leukemia. These are the pieces that very frequently left me with a lump in my throat.

In the sections she called Reflections, Tamara fill us in a bit more on what was happening during the times she wrote the letters. She also thinks back on the decisions she made, sometimes critically. Tamara doesn't mince words here, as she relays interactions with those closest to her and the experiences that were part of the treatment process. Most important of all, she concludes that the most serious flaw in breast cancer treatment in Canada is a lack of coordination across treatment areas (the caregivers themselves speak of working in “silos”) and makes the recommendation that this be addressed in the form of a “nurse navigator.”

“If we were to imagine a better process...what would it look like?...there is a centre for where women go for 'one stop shopping' for all the diagnostic and planning steps leading up to treating their breast cancer...We are warmly greeted by a nurse who has been specially trained for her role as 'navigator' who has taken the time to become thoroughly familiar with our file...she advises us as to what lies ahead, at least in the short term...She is available to us throughout the journey.”

This vision would transform the experience of cancer patients. I'm convinced it would also improve outcomes. I hope someone at my cancer centre who is in a position to create change reads this advice and takes it to heart.

The last thing Tamara does is interview her caregivers. Their comments are interspersed throughout and included in Voices of the Healers. Each one clearly cares about the outcome of every patient and all bemoan the lack of cooperation between treatment teams. In particular, I was struck by the willingness of the 'mainstream' oncologists and surgeon to engage with Tamara's naturopathic doctor as well as the humility and wisdom of each person who was interviewed. I've never seen the words of healers collected in this way and the result is powerful.

The very best of books stay with the reader and may even influence how they live their lives. As an ongoing cancer patient, I was very moved by But Hope Is Longer. I also initiated my own relationship with a naturopathic doctor (ND) after reading Tamara's book. My new doctor specializes in oncology and I'm very excited and grateful for this new relationship.

But Hope Is Longer is compulsively readable, full of clear, useful advice and includes the perspectives of those who spend their days thinking about how to better care for cancer patients. More than a breast cancer memoir, this is a book that everyone will want to read.

But Hope Is Longer:Navigating the Country of Breast Cancer (256 pages, $19.95) was released by Second Story Press in October, 2012. In Ottawa, it is available at Chapters, Octopus Books, Singing Pebble Books and Britton’s.  

*Originally published in the Glebe Report, on January 18, 2013.

grounding

This is a treatment week and it's different every time. I get Herceptin over 90 minutes, Demerol to keep me from reacting to the Herceptin and Gravol (Dramamine in the US) to keep me from getting nauseated from the Demerol. Fun times (the actual infusion of Demerol can feel sort of fun. For a while). 

Afterwards, I never know how I'm going to feel. I've had doctors express surprise that I feel lousy after getting Herceptin, yet the nurses do not. I choose to believe that it affects me intensely for the same reason I reacted so strongly - because it's a drug that works for me.

Some rounds are pretty good, the last one was awful and this one has been somewhere in between. I feel worse today than yesterday. I haven't forced myself to exercise and perhaps that's the wrong thing. I did write a lot yesterday and was very productive in a sedentary way. Maybe I overdid it.

I'm always second-guessing myself. Sometimes, it's no fun being in my own head.

At any rate, I am tired and cranky. I've skipped yoga but I will get out of the house to meet a friend for coffee and then take Daniel to drum lessons.

I've been working my way through Julia Cameron's Walking in this World. While it's not as life changing of as my experience of the Artist's Way, there are lots of interesting bits.

Today I had to do a very well-timed exercise. I had to list 10 things that make me feel more grounded. I ended up with 11.

Here they are, in no particular order: 

1. Making lists.

2. Doing something with either of my kids, just for fun.

3. Hanging out with Leslie.

4. Reading a book and writing/talking about it.

5a Knitting.

5b Knitting with Karin and Deb.

6. Folding laundry.

7. Crossing things off my to-do list (see first item).

8. Taking a shower.

9. Journalling.

10. Burying my face in the crook of Tim's neck.

11. Going for a walk.

I feel more grounded already. Blogging must be my number 12.

I had the privilege of being an early reader of this book and it's fantastic. Even if you don't live with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) there is lots of advice in this book about pain management and living with a chronic illness. Lene is a friend of mine (in the interest of full disclosure). She's funny, smart, compassionate and wise and all of this comes through in this book. It's a must read for anyone who knows anyone living with a chronic illness but an especially important book for those newly diagnosed with RA.

Your Life with Rheumatoid Arthritis can be purchased as an ebook from Amazon.com, Amazon.ca and Kobo books for a very reasonable price. Go buy yours now.

giving in to the monkey brain

Herceptin

I think I'm happy with the outcome of the brouhaha over Herceptin in Ontario. For those of you outside the province or outside the loop. Jill Anzarut, a 35 year old woman undergoing treatment for breast cancer made the news last week when she announced that the province had to pay for Herceptin because her Her2+ tumour was less than one centimetre (that's about 1/4 inch) in diameter.

The province initially refused to budge but eventually caved after a massive campaign played out in the social and traditional media. Access to Herceptin will now much more room for discretion when it comes to providing access to the drug.

I feel good about this. It's not that I think that every drug should be funded for every person. Her2+ cancers are very aggressive and, as best put by Stephen Chia, chair of the British Columbia breast-tumour group, “In HER-2 positive cancers, it’s not the size that drives it; it’s the HER-2 gene that drives it.” 

Election

Canadians are once again going to the polls. I am not happy about this. 

I'm sad that the long overdue Bill C-389 protecting the rights of transgendered people will die before it gets the chance to be thrown out by the Senate.

I'm worried that we will end up with a Conservative majority.

I have election fatigue. There was a time in my life when an election would make me feel excited and hopeful. Now I just think, "Ugh."

Presents in the mail

Did you see my scrabble pendant in yesterday's post? My friend Leslie sent it to me after I told her I'd like to have on with my initial on it. It made me very happy to open the envelope that held my surprise.

The bad with the good

Last week, I received my author's copy of the current issue of Canadian Woman Studies. The theme this quarter is Women and Cancer and I have a poem that is part of a piece called "Seven Reflections on Breast Cancer by Seven Women Who Worked Together." I'm happy about that.

I'm far less happy about another piece I stumbled on when I was leafing through the issue. It's called "The Private/Public Split in Breast Cancer Memoirs." It was written by a woman who came to my book launch in Toronto and asked for permission to speak in order to seek contributions - something to which I readily agreed. She also asked me to contribute to the issue, which prompted me to reach out to my writing group.

I had no idea that she planned to write a scathing deconstruction of my book - but that's what she did. I know that all writers get bad reviews but I found her comments to be very critical of me as a person (I guess you can't seperate the analysis of a memoir from its author) and quite unfair. 

I'm sure how to respond or react, or whether I should do so at all. I've actually been unable to finish reading the article. With a distinct lack of maturity, I threw the journal onto the living room floor and it stayed there for several days. I only just picked it up, in order to write this post.

I'll let you know what I decide to do. Meanwhile, I'm pasting my very own contribution below. It's a very small part of a greater whole (and not the strongest piece by the seven of us by any stretch) but it's mine and, like all my writing, expresses a little bit of what has been in my heart.

Snap shots

December 2^nd, 2005.

When I close my eyes, I see myself as I was then.

Short dark hair and boots with heels.

Irritable and excited in equal measure.

I knew big change was coming. And it did. But it was not what I expected.

I was getting undressed when I found the lump.

July 1^st, 2006

I close my eyes and see myself as I was then.

Round, bald and bloated. But happy.

Chemo is behind me. Or so I expect.

I am self-conscious but also hungry.

I eat two burgers at the barbecue.

December 24^th, 2006

I close my eyes and see myself as I was.

I rallied for Christmas Eve but in the end the pain got the best of me.

My liver was riddled with tumours. And I had waited too long for the morphine.

My mother had to put me to bed. That comforted me.

And so did the drugs.

June 25^th, 2007

I close my eyes and I can taste

The strawberries on my tongue

The sensual pleasure of the whipped cream

And the Niagara ice wine as it slid down my throat.

I knew I would soon have something to celebrate.

December 16^th, 2009

I close my eyes so I can think.

I have now been in remission for 30 months.

And I will be in treatment for the rest of my life.

Some days I wake up celebrating.

Some days I grieve for what I have lost.

Today is a sad day.

Tomorrow will be better. Or maybe the day after that.

book review: "the widows of eastwick"*

I have a confession to make. Before The Widows of Eastwick, I had never read anything by John Updike (although, I did see the movie version of The Witches of Eastwick, which is sort of a prequel to this one. I'm not sure how faithful the movie was to the book. Given Hollywood's track record in this regard, I imagine the book and the movie were fairly different).

The Widows of Eastwick, picks up some 30 years after The Witches. As the title suggests, the three witches find themselves widowed, reconnect with each other and (after doing some travelling together) return to the earlier scene of their crimes. The mansion in which they partied as younger women has been turned into condos and they decide to rent one for the summer.

None of these women is very likeable, nor did I find it easy to relate to any of them (not sure if this was in part because I am so much younger - although I have read and enjoyed books with much older protagonists before). I did very much enjoy the writing, although I found that the dialogue was more an opportunity for the women to pronounce on the world, as opposed to really engaging with each other:

Jane looked aged in the harsh desert light, shrunken. Blue veins writhed on the backs of her hands. "There's this stink to the past," she said, "of magic that stopped working. It never really did work, of course. Just gave the priests more power than was good for them."

"If they believed it worked, maybe it did. It made them less anxious. As I remember us in Eastwick, we used to believe that there was an old religion, before men came in and took it over just as they took over midwifing and haute couture. It was a nature religion that never died - women carried it on even when they were tortured and killed."

The book is less about what is happening in the present and more about looking back to the past. The women are motivated by a desire to make amends for their crimes (causing the death, through witchcraft of a rival and of some other people who appear to have been thorns in their sides) and to relive their wild and powerful youth. The whole thing feels more like a padded short story than a full length novel. Some interesting things do happen but I found it hard to feel too interested.

As I was reading this book, I learned that Updike had died. I feel a bit guilty that I can't write a more positive review. I am very confident that this, the last of his novels, was not his best work by any stretch of the imagination. And perhaps I would be feeling less critical if I had read and enjoyed The Witches before reading this one.

Updike must have been grappling with cancer as he wrote this book and there is lots of talk of cancer throughout. The women killed their rival by giving her ovarian cancer and Alexa (one of the witches - the one played by Cher in the movie, I think) is obsessed with cancer.

I didn't hate this book. I just didn't really like it. I was expecting so much more.

Any Updike fans out there? How does this book compare to his other works? I would love to know.

*This is book was sent to me via Library Thing's Early Reviewer Program.

blowing my own horn

Tomorrow, I will have a featured post on BlogHer.

Also, Judy from Just Enjoy Him (and Mothers With Cancer) really liked my book. And she said some very nice things about it. Since I am in awe of Judy, this meant a whole lot to me.

A little praise goes a long way for this girl. I feel like writing more now.