The truth will set you free....it will piss you off first

We all make mistakes, everybody does. How we learn from them is our own choice, so choose wisely!



I started writing this when I found out it was a really a fake. I want to preface this by saying I know that help is needed. I get that, and I really hope she gets help, fast before more people are hurt. There is actually a condition for this. I have given her lots of chances to come clean but she seems to not want to face the real facts. There are people that need to stop praying for your cancer and I feel they need to know the truth.  I want this said by me before the ones that are set out to hurt her take over. I do not want pain, just for this to end! Let me start at the beginning for those you do not know what cancer is like....

You get the word, the call the diagnosis "You have cancer". SHIT, are you kidding me?, am I going to die?, how did this happen?, what am I going to do? Among others, these things go through your head. Your friends and family members want so much to tell you it will be ok and they find ways to help, but if they never had cancer then they just do not really get it. So, it is 2012 and social media is at your fingertips (get it? cause you type, LOL). You search Google, you look at FB, hit Twitter then stop at Instagram. WOW, you find so many cyber friends all feeling those intense feelings. All going through the war against this disease that is taking rank on your body without your permission. You become friends with so many, now I do not mean "friends", I mean you cry with them, laugh and want them to be well. When a blogger friend died this year I sobbed, like a painful sob that I just lost a friend. The connection is real and strong, we call it "CANCER CONNECTION". The fact is we all need this so bad, not just for the advice and words of encouragement but to see we are not alone. I want to meet all these fighters, in Sweden, Netherlands, Canada, Italy, South Carolina, Florida, all over I want to meet, hug and cry with everyone! When I sent them their stupid dumb breast cancer shirt it made me so proud that they would honor me that way.

So do you get how important these friends are, so important. We post pictures to let each other know who we are doing, when the next surgery or treatment are, to make us laugh and sometimes to cry. Enter Katie, so sick with bone cancer. Telling us how she needs this next surgery to survive but the surgery is so scary. Showing us ALL her meds she takes. Pictures go up because she is back in the ER and is scared as hell. Telling us that she cannot go on she accepts death. Pray for her please. We did we pray, sent her so much encouraging words she must have been so happy. We told her we were here for her, told her our own personal struggles. Opened up so she knew she could trust us. Sent her a stupid dumb breast cancer shirt just because I care so much and wanted to lift her spirits, no charge Katie I know how poor you are. I cried cause she was so ill and I wanted to help her. Our heart was heavy for our friend battling and needing support. UNTIL.....

She was a cancer fake and so were her pictures. Her head was shaved for St. Baldrick's then to make it look like you lost it. These are the facts, we do not need to give it more than that.

I reached out to her before I did anything else. I gave her the chance to come to me for help. All she had to do was admit her lies to me. I hope everyone just stops and leaves her alone. She is getting help. Yes it was a lie that got out of control. But I am done trying and I really believe she needs to be exposed. Not to hurt her, because I believe she needs some major help, but to let those who she is seeking attention from know that she does not have CANCER. I am not trying to hurt her, but I am looking out for my friends who she is hurting with her lies, real friends who do not lie to each other! I also feel like this will help her. It will release her from the lie and I hope that she stops. I want her to move past this and get on with life. Those of us fighting right now will never understand why she did this, but I am done trying to figure it out. Katie says she has health issues, I just want her to get better. I want her to have peace.

 I am asking everyone to not be mean or nasty, just delete her from your Instgram, FB, twitter and anywhere else. Stop the negativity and just move past this. Say your peace with her but do not add to this horrible lie. Katie needs her family to help her, she needs support that we can not give her unless she chooses to stop running and lying. For now we need to let her run away and let us not look back. Nobody needs hate mail, emails, texts or such. She was so wrong, but during the holidays, shouldn't we have a little compassion? So get pissed, but be the bigger person and let it go, let her go. Does being mean ever make you feel better? Say something nice or nothing at all. But karma has away to taking care of it all.

The making of a hypochondriac

Before I was diagnosed with Stupid Dumb Breast cancer I was NEVER sick. Even if I had a little something it didn’t bother me enough to go the doctor. Sure I did my yearly crap but nothing beyond that. Then the effin lump came into play. Now I feel like I am uber (I love that word) sensitive to any little thing. A couple of weeks after the mastectomy I was getting this pressure above my eye. Not a headache per say but constant pressure. It was affecting my balance and caused me to get floaters. Must be a tumor right? No just nerve damage from the anesthesia, it gets better over time but worse with each surgery. Guess I am screwed there.

A couple of weeks before the lump I had an ablation, hystercopy and a D/C, nothing like cleaning out the parts. I have had bad periods, cysts blah blah blah so we cleaned house. The ablation should help with all that, nope. This past couple of months my friggin period has been early, came in like a monster and gave me cramps and lower back pain similar to labor. Really I do not need this shit, no one does! So a sono revealed some follicles (another great word, seems all happy and gay!). Gotta love an internal sono, “Do you want to insert it or shall I?” After the sono I went to the OB/GYN, my FAVORITE office, warped I know but the staff and doctor make me feel like family not a patient! My sweet OB decided to do an in house biopsy, OUCH!!!! I love when a male OB says “It is a small probe, I will be quick and you will do great”, excuse me but do you have a vagina??? I held my awesome nurse Gia’s hand and it was over fast but shit balls that hurt. Biopsy came back …what was that word “unremarkable”, really that is good no cancer there but what a dumb friggin word! I am still having back pain that is shooting down my leg and cramps with pelvic pressure so just to be safe I had a CT with contrast of my pelvic and abdomen.

So I drank my white chalky crap at 11:20 and went to be scanned away. It was gross, cold or warm all GROSS! You know how I roll, with a posse in toe. MC and Genevieve came along for pictures (cause ya never know what they will find) and moral support (cause ya know I have no patience right now). I do not think the nice lady working the big machine was amused by my estrogen, but she ended up being a good sport. I think it is funny that spell check changed entourage to estrogen so I left it, BLAHAHAH! ANYWAY, they scanned my lower parts in no time and I was off and running, to the bathroom cause dude I had to pee! Then home to wait……

I know I am so lucky that I have friends that will read my results ASAP. My good friend called me to tell me I have ANOTHER fucking cyst, he did not say it this way he is too sweet. Basically, I am a breeding ground and need to have it all out! The thing that sucks is you have to do all this when you have been bitch slapped by cancer, you just never know. The correlation between breast/ovarian/uterine cancer is crazy! There is no cancer right now YAHOOOOOOOOOOO but honestly I feel like these cysts are just waiting for some action. I do not plan on giving it any! Anyone that thinks that cancer no matter the stage, ends with a mastectomy or the last round of chemo or the last radiation is a fool. The doctors all take all "issues" differently and with a closer eye. The oncologist will review all this when I visit him in January before the oopherectomy/hysterectomy (more funnier words). At this point January 24th can not come soon enough. So out with the uterus, the ovaries, the tubes and cervix who needs you anyway, not me.

I never used to worry about health issues, I do not have Munchhausen, I never liked being sick. This is all new ground for me and I do not like it. I used to be so active now I can’t focus. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. My journey has been hard for me, yes there are other people dealing with much more, but for my family this sucks! Every time I go to the doctor a new “thing” arises. Makes me not want to go. As time goes by I know this gets less and less the worry at least but right now until my MRI in May I worry. Cancer is a sneaky bastard that loves to pop out and give you hell. I plan on being just the bitch to give it back!

somehow, i thought

I thought it would all happen more quickly than this. I thought if I had no complications, then I would just heal.

I thought that "three days in the hospital and two weeks puttering at home" meant that by the start of the third week I would be running errands, writing, going for walks and yoga and that I would be putting this behind me.

It's not happening that way.

I am healing.

I'm just not very patient.

My head still hurts. Sometimes a lot.

I am more tired than I could have imagined.

I still feel stoned, even when I have taken nothing for the pain. My brain is just not working properly.

And my fingers don't seem to want to type what my brain tells them.

It has been three weeks since my surgery and it really doesn't feel like it was very long ago at all.

Except that I'm less patient now.

Which is probably a sign that I'm healing.

I'll get there. Of course I will.

Today, I just wish it were easier.

beginning to feel a glimmer...

Human patch work quilt, kind of gross yet amazing at the same time

I have been playing with this blog post in my head, which if you have ever been on 3 different types of pain killers can be a crazy place.  DIEP is no friggin joke people no joke. I have two large incisions on my breasts that are healing nice, 6 new drain hole marks (I hate those god damn mother fucking drains), a new and improved belly button, and a big ass cut from side to side in my pelvic area. Let's break it all down shall we?!

 

The toobs (if you are new here I'm calling them toobs because they are tissue made boobs) are soft, real looking and WARM! No more cold foobs, no more. We will watch the scars for keloids, but we are on top of it now. This is just what I wanted these toobs oh glorious toobs.  I know that this seems so cray cray (as the kids say) to some but to me I just took two parts of me back from cancer! Take that you stupid dumb breast cancer beast.

 

Drains! Why do we hate you so?? Well you are gross tubes coming out of the side of us. When they tug on things we think they will be ripped outta our bodies. They have to be dumped 4 times today, grossssssss! They itch like crazy and by crazy I mean like I am going to go nuts and I can't scratch them. Oh and did I tell you that you have to hang them around your next when you shower?? Again gross. The only thing they are worth is when your kids are screwing up threaten to make them dump those JP Morgan grenades.  Totally works. I won't even go into when they pull them out, the feeling you have oy vey.

 

Someone told me that the DIEP/TRAM is similar to a c-section. Really?? My incision  without exaggerating goes from my butt check bone on the left to the butt check bone on the right. Please tell me how many babies came out that big, you can't cause there are none!!  The other point here is that when giving birth which is amazing does not involve the removing of tissue and muscle to make breasts in a 10 hour surgery, 2 day stay in ICU, 3 more in hospital.   Keep these things in mind when you try you comparisons out on people.

 

The following pictures are very graphic, very. Quote from my husband "Are you going to post those?" I debated but I really feel like they need to be seen. This was 2 days after surgery. I am very very swollen and have gone down a lot since and I mean a lot. And am starting to take shape nicely, I'm looking forward to watching my body heal. It's been through a lot and I'm so happy with this chapter. FYI I am in a lot of pain physically but mentally I feel the healing beginning.

 

 

I will leave you with this story....

I get an email from a sweet chick who my cousin gave my contact to. We chatted back and forth via email. We talked doctors a few times about recon and our upcoming surgery. Wait when is your surgery? Just so happens that my DIEP is Wednesday and Michelle is getting her mastectomy on Friday, on the floor that I will be moved to. Wouldn't it be funny if we met?? At 3ish on Friday I just got out of ICU they said ok let's get you up to me. So I put my wedges on, no just kidding that wasn't happening this time, so I get my sandals on and start walking. I was dizzy, light headed, nausea but I was up and walking. And I was heading to room 5037 the exact room that I had my mastectomy in. MC and my nurse were with me and we saw some people milling around, it was Michelle's family and she was back in her room. Her husband waved me,  I cannot express how happy I was. There is nothing like a breastie hug nothing. We meet in the halls again for another walk but the texting was already outta control by then, I hope she has unlimited!

 

I can never ever explain the feeling of meeting someone with cancer, someone who gets your crazy thoughts, your happy ones, your guilt and your pain. They understand when to give advice, listen or cry. They just get it. The bonds I have made through this are insane. I met Jaime another badass cancer ass kicker, a few weeks ago and if a few days go by without a text I worry. Just today in a simple chat with a breastie left me feeling relieved that someone gets me and what cancer warriors need, she has a great name too (hint it's Anne Marie).  Next week I will be meeting someone that I have been talking to for almost a year. We have shared some private info and some good girl friend chat but most of all we lean on each other. I'm so excited so excited!

 

I'm not ready to rock my tiara but the pink boa is near by.  I am looking forward to getting physically better each day, having my mind heal a little each day and starting 2014 new and improved!

DISCLAIMER this took way longer than I ever thought and trust when I say I didn't write enough, maybe I should try youtube videos were I talk!!!!

 

 

better than yoga

Lucy could give lessons in how to relax.

The $15,000 Faint

A good ride spoiled -- November 25, 2010

Some of you already know that I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital.

       It was a fluke, a frightening moment that turned into a 24-hour - oops - make that a 23-hour stay.  It was the first (and last) time I've ever been wheeled into an emergency room feet up, head down.

       This was also the first time I've been an empowered patient in the age of social media.

       What a difference technology makes. Instant access to my Twitter feed, #HCSM and #Livestrong friends added an entirely new spin to the displacement of being well one minute and riding in an ambulance in the next. Within moments of tweeting that "something weird happened," my inbox filled with virtual hugs and messages of concern from. People truly do care.

        Here's what happened.

        As it was getting light that morning I cycled to town for the annual "Run Through the Woods" event. For years we've volunteered with the Woodlands Cycling Club to escort the  runners, from pro-ams to families out on a healthy-holiday jog. We have a great time supporting them, then cycle another 20 - 30 miles so we can enjoy our Thanksgiving with (some) caloric impunity. On our way over to the starting point my tire slipped into an expansion joint and I toppled straight over and landed right on my knee cap.

        In typical fashion I hopped back on my bike and started pedaling. This is what you do when you fall down in front of a crowd of people who are now staring at you as though you've sprouted another arm. You pop up like a jack-in the-box.  And smile.  Your biggest, most charming, No, I’m not really the idiot I appear to be smile.       

         But by the time I reached our group and stopped I went from feeling stupid, to feeling unwell, to feeling lousy, to losing it, all in less than five seconds. It was like an underground sprinkler system broke. Water started dripping from me. Nausea came on like a freight train. The next thing I knew I was sitting on the curb near the stoplight, a medic on each side. They seem to have beamed down for the occasion. One was taking my blood pressure and watching me with the intense, odd concentration of someone who can’t hear anything going on in your veins.

        What trilled across my mind was an appointment two days earlier with my internist.  Right before I was left she came back with my EKG reading.  She said something about a "poor r-wave progression" and ordered a nuclear stress test. That was a “what?” moment.  While I know now this phrase doesn't mean much if you're heart is healthy, I did not know this Thanksgiving day.  So when the medics were adamant about doing an EKG I agreed. It wasn't long before I was on my way to the hospital.  Until the ambulance left I didn’t even know that the competitive run had been delayed until we cleared the intersection.

       You see how all the pieces came together now, don't you?  What an awful day.

Having my Blackberry was almost as good as having my own pillow.  I became my own paparazzi. Taking horrible photos from my phone somehow helped the worry.  Click.  Look, there’s a photo of my helmet!  Wow! Click.  Look, there’s a great picture of Steve’s bike!  Click. Click. Click.  My Blackberry became another way of telling the story.  Still, as cool as smart phones, social media and online communites are there are some things about being in a hospital that haven’t changed:

1)  Any pain you're experiencing will inevitably be worse lying in a hospital bed;

2)  Not knowing a test result or the cause of symptoms you’re experiencing will bring into play up all the bad things that COULD be wrong despite the fact you were healthy until this happened;

3) Social media and chatting with Twitter pals does not change the fact that the longer you stare at the IV needle in the crook of your arm the more that sucker is bound to hurt;

4) Experienced nurses are much more forthcoming and fun to be around than a freshly minted one who may view you as a potential rehabilitation project.  The older nurse brought in a portable computer, had a super laugh, and read all the test results to us as they arrived. We talked about her ex-husband (who we agreed, did not deserve this awesome woman), cancer, stress, sudden death and holidays. The new graduate, on the other hand, started citing studies on red yeast rice instead of telling me my cholesterol readings.  Party pooper.

5) Survivors missing lymph nodes are given bright pink bracelets lovingly titled "AFFECTED LIMB. NO PUNCTURES." You can still expect at least one tech to start to take blood pressure from the arm regardless. Slap them. They won’t know the difference.

6) Meals will still provide you and your loving family member (LFM) with a five-minute laugh break.  Start a 'name the entree'' contest.  The one who dares to take the first bite gets dibs on #7.

Fried foot? Oh, it's fish. Who knew?

7)  As a seasoned survivor you already know how to take care of yourself. The good food is always in a small room off the nurses’ station. That’s where they hide the  Diet Dr. Pepper and Blue Bell ice cream.  Send your LFM on a raid.

8) If you are admitted through the emergency room for 23-hour observation, an on-site physician called a "hospitalist" will be your new best friend.  This is probably outstanding if you can understand them. Two different physicians visited.  I tried dear readers, yes I did.  Go back to awesome #4 nurse.  She will explain what’s going on, and why.  Besides, you already know what’s going on, don’t you?  I did.

9)  There’s still no easy way to manage IV’s, wounds and a bath from the sink.  Still, after all these years.

10) Something surprising will happen.  After talking through everything with me the next morning the consulting cardiologist says suddenly, “oh, you had a vasovagal response to falling.”

          “A what?”

          “You fainted.” 

           Cool. Leave it to me.

Even though I scrubbed our Thanksgiving this year, the next time I fall?  I’m grabbing the smelling salts on the way down.

Happy holidays!

Note:  I actually did learn a lot from this experience.  Surviving cancer doesn’t leave us immune to other problems associated with the A-word (aging).  Heart disease is still the number one killer of women in the United States.  My thanks to journalist Mary Knudson, author of Living Well with Heart Failure, for her friendship, input, and advocacy on behalf of women with coronary illnesses.  Mary blogs at http://heartsenseblog.com/